she surrenders

i have surrendered to what ever life has in store for me.

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i have been through some of the hardest things i hope to ever have to go through already in my 20 years of life. i have lived in fear of what is to come next for too long. and recently, i think i simply came to the conclusion that enough is enough. i no longer want to wake up with a pit in my stomach caused by the fear of the unknown. what will this cruel world throw at me today? what terrible thing will i experience later? 

i want to wake up with a smile on my face, excited for what this beautiful world will gift me each and every day. i want to live my days knowing that i have an anxiety disorder, but that i am stronger than her. i am not my anxiety, i am rachel. i am damn beautiful, and should glow from the inside out with everything i do. i want to trust in the universe, God, and the energy swirling around us. the three of them work together, to keep us safe and healthy. whether you are a die hard catholic or a woo hoo spiritual being, we are all one. we were all put on this earth by the same thing. and i may not know exactly what that is but i know we all have to right to believe it is whatever we want to believe it is. i’ve struggled a lot with faith and religion. but, i want to believe that there is something out there, taking care of me and loving me despite all my flaws. and i do. 

the entire universe serves me. God, who is black, white, male, female, all of us in one, loves me unconditionally. and the energy that is constantly dancing in-between my fingertips and me and you, protects me. when i pray, i am not only talking to God, but to myself and to the universe. i believe we are one and i can find who or what i need within myself. if i need God, i talk to him. if i need the universe, i talk to her. if i need myself, i talk to me. i scream, cry, sing, or journal. i go to church, i go on hikes, i spend time with myself and my loved ones. and i am open minded to everything you believe. if you believe in nothing, i hope one day you can believe in yourself. love yourself hard enough to want to believe in anything and everything. 

i so desperately have wanted to live in peace, and to be happy again. i didn’t know how, or where to find the peace and happiness. i didn’t understand why i was unworthy of those feelings. and all i needed was to look within and trust. i can now see all three powerful beings flowing inside my veins and keeping me upright. i can now trust that what they have planned for me and my life, is exactly what i need. 

when i get anxious or scared, i surrender. what if i’m devoting too much energy to all the wrong things? what if my relationship isn’t strong enough and won’t last? what if i get sick? what if i lose it all? surrender. take a deep breath and know that what is meant to be, will be. believe that the things you want to happen or to be, will happen and will be. believe that you are healthy and that you are exactly where you need to be. it’s all in the universes hands. your plan is already written, set in stone. and you’re on the right path as long as you trust and love yourself and others unconditionally. 

from me to you and me to me. love always,

rach 

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